It sometimes takes a major life change or loss for people to realize they need to change something. For me, it was losing a friendship that was important to me. After all of it, I felt betrayed, undervalued, even worthless. Someone who said they would be there for me, suddenly turned cold and walked away. I admit I was unkind and lashed out because of my battle and pain with depression. This was my toughest battle with depression and sent me reeling in pain.
Suddenly, I stepped back and saw that my focus was entirely too dependent on one person’s acceptance and love. I think I needed this rejection, because it humbled me, and made me realize who I do not want to be. I do not want to treat someone like I was treated but I also don’t want to sugar coat the truth. You see, sugar coating is a lie. And their false promises gave me a false security in our friendship. Through all of this I learned so much about myself. How I deal with rejection, pain, and mistakes I make. I beat myself up, I am relentless and lash out at everyone when I am hurting. I’m not saying it’s right but I am learning and changing.
As I move forward, my perspective is changing, my attitude is adjusting. I want to build myself up, not tear down. I want to encourage others and build them up but I must start with myself if I am going to be able to help others.
So my focus is on training my children to tell the truth in love, to love themselves and even though some mistakes hurt we must move forward and forgive. Forgive ourselves, forgive others and not be like the ones that hurt us. So maybe this was a blessing in disguise. The hardest part about losing this person is not knowing if they really cared. But for me truth is more important that being “kind” with sugar coated lies. Don’t lie to people you love, especially yourself.
So now I am reevaluating what is important. My marriage, my children, making true friendships. I don’t want to hurt people I love. I’m making a change in myself, so that I can be the woman I am called to be and not the woman I used to be.
Depression will come and go but my attitude is something I can control. I choose positivity and kindness. I choose to forgive myself and others. I’ve made some bad choices in the past but moving forward, I will try to make better ones.
Is there something you have been making excuses to not change? Is there someone you need to forgive and learn from? Tell them you forgive them. We can never be perfect people but we can do better. I wish you peace, my friends.