Just having had a significant life change, as a writer I wanted to let you in a little bit. My writing is from the heart. The more insecure I feel, the more I want to share my vulnerability. I want to show just how human I am and just how frail I can be. Luckily there is a loving God whom I trust my life to.
I apologize if there are some typos as I do not get more than 3 hours of sleep at a time. There is a song by Tenth Avenue North called “Worn”. It is how I feel right now. One line goes, “I’m worn, even before the day begins.” I truly feel this everyday. I am not thriving, right now, I am merely surviving.
After having my third child, I am the most vulnerable I have ever been. Well right after having a c-section surgery and completely depending on my nurse and husband to help me take care of our baby is when I’ve felt the most vulnerable. This second time around I knew what to expect. But that did not make it easier and I did not feel more secure than before. I’m exhausted and anxious. Having a newborn and two other young children is the toughest challenge I have faced yet. Every time I come to a tough situation, I put my trust in God. He is my protector, my healer. He will never leave nor forsake me. Even when I come to the end of my life I feel secure in knowing he’s got me in the palm of his hand. I do not have to fear. 1 John 4:18
Newborns are adorable, beautiful and very needy. They need to hear our voices, know that we will feed them and keep them safe. They feel comforted by a mother’s voice and touch (and father’s). This time around has really challenged me. I am a very unhappy person when I’m sleep deprived. And the baby is the source of my unrest. My two preschoolers have really made it harder. Every time I turn around they are trashing the house, breaking things or filling things with water. My hard working husband is out of the house 60 hours a week. I cannot nap when the baby naps because I have my preschoolers to attend to. And I don’t want them to burn down the house. (Chuckle- but seriously.) I cannot be mad at my children. I should not raise my voice or get frustrated with this tiny baby. He needs me to be strong, suck up the pain and take care of him. I have to be selfless. And the truth is -I’m so selfish. God is so amazing because he knows when we are weak, we must rely on him in our times of need. One if my favorite Star Wars quotes is by Yoda, “A jedi’s strength flows from the Force,”. In my case, Jesus is my force. I could not get through the things I have without my security and strength from Jesus. I know that If I mess up, I am still forgiven and unconditionally loved and because of this I must show compassion to my children and others.
The first month of babyhood is, I think, one of the hardest challenges in life. Period. It is physically, emotionally and sometimes spiritually exhausting. Prayer and constant communication with God has helped me to be a good mother. Even when I wanted to quit, I need to finish the race. Every season of our life there will be challenges and trials. As James puts it, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. (James 1:2-3 NIV) James is one of my favorite chapters in the New Testament. This is one of the reasons we named our son Spencer James. God’s word is there to guide us, teach us and comfort us. I’m not going to lie, I am on the verge of tears daily. I can only imagine what other parents with babies that are sick, or have a health condition feel like. But I press on. I know this is only a season and I can lean on Him. He loves us, holds us, calms us with his touch. I am forever grateful for His unconditional love. I’m going to try to get some sleep. Until next month, signing out. Keep me in your prayers.